Life Positions in Transactional Analysis
Recognize your life position, and make the decision to change.
- What does your life offer you?
- Are you a winner in this life? Or are you a loser?
- How do you see the people around you?
- Do you think they are all better than you?
- Do you feel inadequate in a crowd?
- Or do you believe that everyone leads a meaningless life?
- Can you take responsibility for what you have been through?
- Do you feel that you are in this state because of the people around you?
Transactional Analysis (TA), a very effective method of communication analysis, refers to 4 different life positions on which one writes one’s life script. An individual continues with one of the life positions that they internalized at an early age and unless they make a conscious decision to do so, they cannot change this position.
In this blog post, I will tell you about these life positions. And I will tell you how to make the decision to change.
Every child feels inadequate
A newborn baby cannot meet their own needs and cannot express them. In the early stages of our lives we are dependent on the care of our parents. We need their care to survive. And so, in fact, everybody starts their life feeling inadequate.
This feeling at the beginning of our life is that the mother or father – or the parent is enough, the child is not enough. You may not remember. But this is the first position we all take in life, even if we don’t remember it. Over time, the ‘strokes’ received from the caregiver either cause the child to maintain this initial life position or to move towards a different position.
Our life position, which we finalize at the age of three at the latest, creates our life script. Our life script is shaped by positions, and we live our lives as that position dictates.
So what do you think;
- How do people choose their life positions?
- What is the most effective life position?
- Can everyone experience this effective life position?
What about you;
- Which life position is leading your life?
- If you are interested in all this and more, keep reading.
How are life positions established?
I have mentioned that when we come into the world, we feel inadequate. It is our caregivers who take care of us.
The caregiver creates an ‘adequate’ image in the eyes of the child, first feeding the child, then through the usage of strokes.
The caregiver resumes giving these strokes. They send verbal, non-verbal, tactile, auditory, visual and contact messages. Strokes help the person decide on their position.
Experiences continue over time. There arise situations in which the child is approved and situations in which the child is not approved. Every affirmation fosters the idea “I am enough“, while every disapproval fosters the idea, “I am not enough“.
By the age of two, the child has already made a vital decision: whether he/ she is enough or not enough.
This decision can change up to the age of three.
What are the life positions?
Life positions – the decision about the adequacy or inadequacy of oneself and others – are fundamental decisions. And these decisions shape our life. Unless they are recognized and replaced by the adult ego state, they continue to rule one’s life.
There are 4 basic life positions identified by Transactional Analysis.
- I am not OK, you are OK.
- I am not OK, you are not OK.
- I am OK, you are not OK.
- I am OK, you are OK.
The first life position of all of us – including me – is designated as I am not OK, you are OK“. Then we think: Since the other person is the OK one, what should I do, how should I behave, so that they treat me well and I make them happy?
Think of yourself or others around you who have dedicated their whole lives to others, who have only worked for their happiness. Could it be that you left yourself in this life position and couldn’t take control of your life?
Life positions can change.
Only the adult ego state can put the life position to the test, change and transform it. Now let’s look at the life positions one by one.
I am not OK, you are OK.
I have explained this position quite a lot. A newborn baby cannot be in a different position. We all experience this. It’s very normal.
Our parents love us and care for us and they do not mistreat us; but because we are unable to do something well, we naturally decide with our child state that we are inadequate. Even if this is a natural decision at that time in our lives, it is problematic to keep it up later in life.
We feel dependent on others. We always work for the approval and appreciation of others. The thoughts of those we see as OK become very important to us. And since our life script is always built on validating this position, we pretend to be inadequate. We don’t make the necessary decisions.
We don’t consider ourselves competent. We wait for a savior to come to our rescue. We put the responsibility on others. Both our happiness and unhappiness depend on others. Being OK and adequate, then, depends on certain conditions. Therefore, others’ wishes always come first.
People who hold this position later in life act with a sense of duty. They will do whatever is assigned to them, whatever is asked of them.
Moreover, they are successful people. They are liked by others. The more they work, the better they get, but they always aspire to be like other people. But no matter how good they are, they do not consider themselves good enough.
Now consider your own life.
How often do you experience these types of behaviors and thoughts?
I am not OK, you are not OK
Sometimes, one starts to see the other person as inadequate too. Now, what happens when the caregiver we thought was adequate, OK, suddenly turns out to be inadequate, not OK?
When a child begins to walk, when they are slowly beginning to accomplish things on their own, if the attention and stroke they receive from the caregiver diminishes or disappears, if child does not receive enough attention from the parent when he/ she falls down and cannot get up, the child begins to feel that they are not enough and that the other person is not enough, either.
He thinks: Okay, I am not enough, but you are not enough, either.
He then starts experiencing the position of “I am not OK, you are not OK”.
These people, as long as they do not change their position, they live life just for the sake of living. They do not put extra effort into their goals. They do not see themselves as adequate, nor do they see those around them as adequate. They do not recognize and perceive incoming strokes. They cannot cultivate their adult ego states.
Think about your own life.
How much do these behaviors and thoughts play a part in your life?
I am OK, you are not OK
The child who does not perceive the strokes I have just described suffers, even if they do not realize it, and sees his/her environment as inadequate, as not OK. Unfortunately, sometimes this pain can be compounded by physical violence inflicted by the caregiver.
In this case, the child tries to heal him/ herself.
They stand alone. They feel better when they are alone with themselves than when they are around others. At such times the thought “I am OK” can emerge. But others are not OK. They are the one who is OK and they do not need others.
This is also a very difficult life position. They are sure that there is violence and suffering in life, but they have survived.
People who maintain this position into old age are lacking in strokes, they do not surrender to anyone. They build up anger. They can be full of hatred and resentment. They blame others. They do not look inside themselves. The people around these people may be ones who are constantly complimenting them, who are subservient to them.
Reflect on your life.
Are there similar people around you?
I am OK, you are OK
Now I will tell you the finest position. And I will give you the secret of how you can get there.
This is a position where you accept yourself and those around you as they are, where you consider everyone here and now as whole and complete.
It’s a conscious choice.
You don’t come to this position as a natural result of experiences. Your adult state can only choose this position by making conscious evaluations.
“I am OK, you are OK” is expressed in words first.
Come on, repeat it. Choose to take this position into your life first.
“I am OK, you are OK.”
In this position there are thoughts and actions; it is not centered on the emotions of the first three positions.
In this position, alongside thoughts and actions are beliefs. There is an acceptance of all possibilities.
It transcends subjective experiences.
The person who chooses this position seeks to see beyond, to move humanity to a better place.
It is a decision.
Life is in our hands, our only possession here and now. How does it make you feel to live it more beautifully and in unity?
How would making this remarkable decision of a lifetime change your life?
It is a decision and you can make that decision and start your process of change and transformation.
Yes, My Dear Friend,
Once you make this decision, you are not going to change in an instant. But with this decision you will also be taking new experiences to your space. Whatever your first life position was, you will gradually shed its effects and you will build a new life.
Remember, you have to move forward with patience. You have to move forward with faith.
Are you ready to make this decision to start living your own fullness, wholeness, and the oneness of life?