How Can I Benefit from Coaching in Grief Process?
One of the most fundamental cycles of life is the cycle between our birth and the moment we close our eyes to life. Everyone born will one day become light. Although we all know this truth, we choose to live as if we don’t. Because, even though it is one of the inescapable facts of life, witnessing the loss of life brings with it a process loaded with difficult emotions. It is hard to be in this cycle.
The dictionary meaning of the word grief speaks of the loss of a loved one and deep pain. The loss of a loved one and coping with such a loss is difficult. Grief is a reaction to losing a loved one, but it may occasionally begin a bit earlier. Witnessing a love one’s illness, aging or loss of certain functions can cause deep pain and start the grieving process earlier than their loss. And sometimes grief is brought about by a suicide process. While suicide can result in the sudden loss of life, in some cases there are agonizing minutes of waiting after the attempt. As difficult as it is to cope with the loss of a loved one, it is also difficult to wait for a loved one to become light.
No matter the circumstances surrounding the loss of a loved one, coping with this loss is a complex and challenging process. Everyone’s reaction will be unique when going through this challenging experience, but it is important to remember that everyone needs support.
Human beings create themselves by forming bonds with other human beings. Losing a loved one severs a bond – in reality no bond is severed, but the person perceives it as such at the beginning. It is at this point that they need to embrace their other bonds in life and seek professional support where necessary.
Coaching offers professional support during grief process. I have spent most of my life practicing coaching and experiencing its miracles both in myself and in my clients. In this blog post, I offer you an approach on how you can benefit from coaching during grief, perhaps one of the most challenging processes of human life. I would like you to reflect on this approach. Because if you know about it before you face a loss, you can support yourself better when you do face it.
What are the emotional challenges in grief process?
Everyone’s experience of grief is different. Because the relationship with the lost one, the shared experiences, the feelings towards them, the words spoken and unspoken are unique to each relationship and each person. However, we all share the common ground of being human. So there are certain emotions and emotional challenges that people experience during this process. Let’s address these first. These can occur separately or simultaneously.
- Sadness and Pain: The most common emotions felt in the face of losing a loved one are sadness and pain. These emotions, which are also felt physically in the body, are the most basic emotions of grief.
- Anger: When a person finds it difficult to cope with the grief over a loss, feelings of anger may arise, which can manifest themselves in the form of rebellion. The individual may feel a sense of injustice. They may find it difficult to make sense of their own ongoing existence. The questions of “Why me?” or “Why did this happen to me?” are signs of anger and rebellion.
- Denial: Denial is also a common defense mechanism when faced with a difficult loss. Denial is used as a way of coping with pain and sadness.
- Other emotions: The dynamics of the relationship between the deceased and the sufferer may cause a range of emotions to emerge. The individual may feel guilt or regret about what they have done or not done, an anger that went unexpressed, longing for times that were or never will be spent together, as well as feelings of love and sadness.
All these feelings and emotional difficulties are normal. A person may go through each of these states in different intensities throughout the grief process. Then, over time, the person accepts the situation, consents to live life in the new normal and creates a new life for themselves. This is the normal process and the nature of grief. However, sometimes emotional difficulties make it challenging to lead a normal life. It damages one’s bonds with others and prevents them from holding on to life. In such a case, professional support is essential.
Depression, loss of appetite, sleep disturbances, loss of energy, fears, anxiety, little or no communication with others, and social isolation become dangerous when they persist and begin to negatively affect one’s daily life, work and family life. This may require psychological support.
How can coaching support the grief process?
Coaches are not psychologists or psychiatrists.
They are not interested in their clients’ past experiences. They focus on today, on what is currently happening. By attending to the present, they enable their clients to take steps in creating a desirable and fulfilling future, finding their inner strength and realizing their potential. They hold up a mirror for the person to look inside themselves. Thus, the person can make sense of themselves, their experiences, emotions and behaviors and take steps to transform them in the desired direction.
A coach keeps their client on the journey and in the present.
Therefore, working with a coach avoids the risk of holding on to the past and previous experiences during the grief process. The person lives in the present, understands their feelings and can imagine a meaningful future despite their loss. With small goals, a person can ease the process of grief and regain strength.
A coach is a good listener.
Talking to the coach helps them to express and discharge their feelings, to release a heavy burden. They can balance their emotions.
Coaches see each event as an experience.
A coach can help to transform loss into an experience. This allows the person to evaluate the grief in a different way, one that allows them to find the meaning of their existence, to reorder their priorities in life, and to learn the right lessons, thus making this process an important part of their own growth.
How to make the grief process healthier?
Grief is a challenging and instructive process. A healthy grieving process begins by acknowledging the difficulty of the process. Then comes the acceptance of feelings. Every emotion is normal, every reaction is a reaction to protect oneself.
Expressing emotions and sharing them with family, friends and professionals helps the process to function in a healthy way. It is also important to share memories of the deceased. This is both a reminder that the bond with the deceased is not severed and a reinforcer of bonds with those to whom memories are shared, ensuring the continuity of social ties. Writing down one’s feelings also helps them to understand their inner state more clearly.
Routines and small goals contribute to moving forward day by day and making life ordinary again.
A healthy life begins with self-love. Grief is a part of life and personal care is essential during this time. A person who goes through this process in a healthy way does not neglect personal care. They avoid unhealthy habits and instead try to develop healthy ones.
There is no set period for grief. It varies from person to person. One can grieve while going about their daily life and realizing their potential. The important thing is to be self-aware, to give oneself time to go through this process and to heal.
If you are going through a grieving process, or one day you face this situation and the things I have said about healthy grieving seem almost impossible to you, or you find it difficult to apply them, you may benefit from seeking the support of a coach. Because coaches know how to look deeply into you and are experienced in making sure you find what’s inside you. The healing process is thus supported.
How does an ELB coach treat a client in grief?
So far I have been focusing on the person in grief. Grief can be as challenging for coaches as it is for the person experiencing it. Therefore, I would also like to highlight a few points about how an ELB coach behaves during the grief process.
An ELB coach;
- Makes time to understand the client’s emotional difficulties. Creates an environment of trust. Preserves intimacy.
- Makes sure what the loss means for the client is well understood.
- Opens up space for emotional expression. Supports sharing openly.
- Remains an active listener. Does not lecture the client.
- Asks the right questions. Understands the client deeply and helps the client to understand themselves.
- Creates a positive atmosphere, but also conveys an awareness of the difficulty of the situation.
- Helps the client to see the windows through which they can look at life from different perspectives.
- Determines the strategies that the client needs to follow in order to achieve emotional balance and allows them to shape these strategies in a way that suits them by asking the right questions.
- Assists the client to set goals in line with their strategies.
- Tracks the progress of the client after the coaching session.
Grief coaching
Coaching helps the grieving person to manage this process, facilitates healing and helps the person to bring a new balance to their life. It helps the person to find their inner strength again.
Grief is a complex and long process. Knowing and accepting this, and getting support from a coach, it is possible to go through this process in a healthier, more comfortable and self-paced way, to heal by feeling the support, and to make a new beginning despite and alongside the loss.