Pandemic Relationships in the New Era
Progressing Relationships During the Pandemic Era
A moon tale of a mysterious relationship…
A brand-new form of relationship that none of us were acquainted with showed up with the PANDEMIC and has been added to our lifestyles, to the relationships we thought we knew. As if we were experts in having very healthy relationships under normal circumstances, we came across a concept called the new normal. In reality, I actually have very good relationships, but the circumstances aren’t normal, so what do I do? I can hear you say and smile.
As for my dear colleagues who provide coaching services with or without a credential; in fact, normally I am very good at my coaching, but the conditions are not normal. How do I do coaching online? I can hear say and smile.
Joking aside, in this blog post, I wanted to share the content of one of my coachee’s sessions that took place online today.
Especially the beginning of this emotional romantic story during the pandemic period and what happened with the dead-ends reached in the process was of such a nature that everyone reading can relate and find pieces from their own relationships.
Surely, not every session in coaching is so easy. Sometimes people can be quite emotional, fixed, or closed off at the beginning of their sessions. A coach’s professionalism lies in his ability to manage and conduct such a process for himself and his coachee during the session. This is possible as hours of coaching experience and training build up and evolve over time.
This sample session you will soon read and as you will realize as you read, was quite difficult for my coachee at the beginning…
Things had gotten to the point where now it was difficult to move forward in the relationship; she did not want to ignore romantic feelings, she did not want to lose them. Unknowingly, in some way she had disciplined the feelings she experienced in ruptures of a relationship with someone who took her power of being able to control her emotions, and she suffered the pain of separation in the relationship.
When she came to the session, I asked her what she wanted us to address in this session.
“I know I have to make a decision, but I am not sure what to do exactly. My gut says when the time comes, you will know how to give up. I may have loved the wrong person, but I loved him with the right feelings. I wish he loved me without exhausting me too…” silence and her eyes filled with tears…
I paused with her intense, heated answer to a simple question. Apparently, she had overly suppressed herself, and, in a controlled manner, I asked her a question that would set her free of her need to express herself.
What does your relationship make you experience?
“I loved him more than I showed him, more than I made him feel; my heart was paralyzed by his reluctant attitude, even though our hands were united under the moonlight in the sky… he was a lonely man in relationships in which he played the role of someone who has an emotional attachment. He was treated so unfairly, and he in return treated himself unfairly by deceiving himself, saying that he was picky about the people around him… The one who loses the compass will be swayed from side to side. The inability to get away from people, issues, and events that disorientate our way, our compass left us in great uncertainty. He didn’t protect us, and I wasn’t strong enough. Everyone lives their own choice!” angry looks and eyes filling with tears again…
I am asking you again. What does your relationship make you experience?
“Sadness … does love forgive everything?”
What does love forgive?
“he has been unfair to me and himself so much… that there is no more room for wounds in our hearts. He wasted our relationship when he could not sever his ties with all kinds of illusionism with money and interests, of which he officially called himself “voluntary prisoner”; he could not find a solution with the horror movie scenarios, and roaming with thoughts of “what does the universe have against me.” In the limited circumstances of the pandemic period, every time we came side by side, right after experiencing great happiness together…” again, silence and eyes full of tears, only this time, she gulped with difficulty.
Our relationships are like the food we eat, there are healthy emotions and unhealthy emotions that foster the relationship, such as health-promoting foods and foods that cause illnesses.
Please ask yourself, what are you feeding in your relationship?
As in this example, a coach does not have to know the full story but listens deeply and empathetically to his coachee with coaching knowledge and skills. Relationships during the pandemic period, businesses that have gone under, career plans that do not progress, financial dilemmas, communication tools becoming online, lack of expression of language in texts, wrong wording, choice of words, variance with time during the day, even restrictions within cities, not being able to meet freely, lack of contact, on top of it all disputes and quarrels…
During our session, we proceeded with questions about what her partner wrote to her when she got to this point, what she understood, and what she realized when she thought about it. When she said that we had a strong bond with him, maybe if she took a step towards that point, maybe it was and maybe it wasn’t, but towards that feeling, where she could not accept to sever that bond, maybe the situation would become clear. But in the story of two people who have mastered protecting their respective hearts, the important thing for me is; my coachee’s awareness, clarification, integration, and coming out with a decision and progressing from the point of completion with herself.
At this very point, I asked my coachee;
I remember you saying, “my heart is paralyzed,” please describe it to me. What exactly makes you say my heart is paralyzed?
“He hurt me where I believed in him the most…” now she was overflowing with emotions…
At this point, I would like to remind you of a quote by the wise Rumi; “WHAT YOU SEEK IS SEEKING YOU…” How clear are we about what we are really, really looking for?
In the story my coachee shared, she expressed such admiration about her partner that…
Metaphorically speaking, why would a man who has the power to bring everyone around him to their knees remained inactive; is it someone who suppresses his emotions and lives only with a “management instinct“, or someone who needs self-awareness with an effort to impose the truth only he knows, to establish authority over what he says, is it someone who ignores it all with “what I want, what I say, my space, my life”…, is it someone who continues to have internal conflicts with the secrets he carries; and the conflicts continue, without knowing how to love, he cannot be sure of himself or his partner, maybe the same stories go around and around in the womanizer mode…
The man is the type that likes to triumph over everything, he feels comfortable in the area he likes to control, he hesitates between options, I am not ready, I am not used to it, I run away and bye bye…
Does the type look familiar to you? As if that were not enough, imagine this type in the pandemic.
Let’s get back to my coachee. “Maybe I loved the wrong person in the wrong circumstances, but I loved him with the right feelings, I wish he loved me back without exhausting me,” you said, do I remember correctly?
“Yes. I was tired of his dilemmas and by deciding to complete myself internally, I moved away from the stagnations and blockages; I retreated to myself, and took a rest. I didn’t want to go through the dramas where I lost my stance and self-respect with formidable obstacles, I needed to gather strength so as not to melt away.
I had nothing left to do. He was in a situation where he could not be free from the situations that manipulated him. In fact, when I observed his relationship and communication style with his mother at the very beginning, it was very easy for me to predict the way he would communicate with me. I judge myself for ignoring that prediction.
Where the excuses end, the truth begins, but I continued with the truths I believed in, not with the person, but with the loyalty of my feelings. But in the process, I have changed and transformed so much, and it’s thanks to him. I understood why he came into my life, and he reflected me back to myself. I continue to heal and get better, and I have forgiven all that I was angry with him, within me.”
A relationship lost with delusions, illusions… The inability to see what is as it is, the inability to go beyond assumptions, and eventually acceptance, there is neither winner nor loser.
What do you want to do?
Sweeping, burying, and leaving whatever bad happened in the past…
I was really hurt when I felt like I knew he was lying, even though maybe it was to get the situation together, or handle the process. He became even more upset as he tried to control himself when he couldn’t escape situations that gave him away. It was sad not to be able to experience it with him, waiting for him to take care of our relationship.
There isn’t much left to move forward. In this way, he determined his position in the relationship. He was in a constant state of mental defense. Justifications, …… but ….. , as the silence intensified, my heart pulled away. Rather than what he said, with things he didn’t say and rather than the things he did, with things he didn’t do…
I couldn’t get out of the feeling that something wasn’t right; I wasn’t convinced somehow. I was being patient and I got tired. Even if something happens now, it happens if he creates his own luck.
Mysteries are unspeakable, only those who know them know. Although I cannot prove it, there are a lot of things that I feel, and I know there is something there. As this troubled, cold process dragged on, I became clear as I listened to my inner voice. I have now become clear about what I want and what I don’t want, without compromising myself, without ignoring myself, or seeing if it breaks or spills.
Being in retreat made me feel better. A one-sided relationship won’t work no matter what you do, a relationship based on my efforts is not healthy, anyway. Although my love and feelings continue intensively, I now choose myself. “
What happens to you when you come face-to-face with him?
What happens to him?
“Being mature enough to describe the emotions he experiences to himself and to me would make him feel relieved. A meeting with serious conversations will further aggravate my emotional burdens. Nobody can have a relationship with me only having their way, and I have never been this simple for anyone.” The shedding tears and the deep silence… she was no longer suppressing her emotions.
“Don’t worry thinking, “my routine will be distrupted, my life will turn upside down” How do you know that the ‘downside’ of your life won’t be better than the upside?”
And what do you do if he honestly wants to talk it out and solve it? A deep silence…
“He came and went so many times that, all of a sudden, and when I was very happy in those moments in our relationship…” another deep silence…”if he will come, he must be determined, if he will go, he must be determined too; if he has decided where he will stand, let’s be clear, I am ready.”
What exactly do you want?
“A peaceful, harmonious, joyful, balanced, loving, abundant relationship that is based on trust… I guess when I have this relationship, who they are won’t matter so much.”
Do you think it’s him?
“In these circumstances, no, but I convinced myself it was because I wanted it so much, and it was him.” And this time, sobbing, the silence of the space was broken. And that’s where she said, he hurt me right where I believed in him.
And I asked her another question to get her out of there.
Are your feelings mutual?
“Yes, it’s mutual, but with us, emotions are not in the foreground, logic is” She stopped then. “Even when expressing our feelings, we have no balance, we are always in control, we condition ourselves thinking that we do not want to fail with things of the past, that this time we will act rationally and consciously. “
I can see that you are clear when you speak for him. What gives you that confidence?
“His statements…”
What has this approach created in your relationship?
“Emotional competition … in issues and situations where we should be honest with each other, we have always avoided openly expressing our feelings. I remembered a moment when I said I was even afraid to say I love you …” wandering eyes and tears spilling from the eyes again…
What were you afraid of?
“I thought you were falling in love with me for a moment and I was afraid of that, that’s not good, he had said, and I couldn’t take a clear stance.” ….
What makes you feel guilty?
“I think our thoughts and precautions were mutual, but our feelings were not even. He followed my actions with my words, and I followed his actions with his words.
I couldn’t be true to myself about my feelings, and it challenged me. It was about trusting ourselves, trusting our feelings, trusting that things can work out in this relationship this time, trusting the process, being able to communicate openly and clearly to overcome obstacles, and we should have healed first, I am aware of it all now…”
Managing oneself with experience, a person’s stance, speech, way of expressing himself, and way of life, approaching every issue emotionally, logically and fairly are very valuable and important. So, can every partner carry the load of such a person and maintain a healthy relationship? Intentions, dreams, wishes that I have come across often recently…
Individuals set high values for themselves in their descriptions, and I appreciate this, but when describing your partner and drawing your picture, do you elaborate on them as someone who can carry these values and share them with one other, both internally, personally, and conditionally?
A partner who trusts and believes in himself, a partner who can walk the same path with the same values and same priorities as you…
“He’s very secretive, the most basic thing I wanted to strengthen with our bond was communication. There are difficulties in our relationship, obstacles, challenges, and I accept it, but where is the solidarity that comes with being together? I am also aware of the situations of people who may cause difficulties in our relationship. “
If you were me, what would you ask yourself at this stage?
“Should I fight for this relationship or not? Is it worth dealing with all the potential troubles or not? How do I become clear in my uncertainty? What do I do to progress better? I would be much happier if I chose what?
What would you like to tell yourself?
“You have a lot of impertinent fears and you always expect the worst, so you deprive yourself of facts or good things that can happen. Your concerns are growing disproportionately, don’t let that happen. Focus your thoughts, refocus on the new, and know that everything that happens is an experience to get a positive flow. With or without him, you are already happy, and you are always someone who can be even happier. “
Do you think he is asking himself that or thinking about it?
“I don’t know. How can someone who does not own us, protect us…” again, deep silence and wandering eyes, disbelief…
What do you think is the right time for communication?
“When the negative turmoil and inner restlessness reach their peak!” The session was a little more relaxed with her answers to herself accompanied with laughter and mischievous smiles, because she noticed that although very small, this was an “AHA!“ moment.
In general, we all take action when things get unbearable, but before we reach that point, if we break away from pride, defeat our egos, end stubbornness, take off our masks, whether the result is a to be continued or a section break, if we can reach the confidence where we will be ready for it, the suspense will be over and COMMUNICATION will be possible.
Do you think you should wait?
“No!”
What do you need?
“Without exaggerating the negatives, without being in the past, renewing myself and talking…”
At this stage of our session, where are you, compared to where you came from?
“My insecurity prevented me from expressing myself verbally, my body language, my words, the energy I radiated was already an expression of me. I am now very pleased that my opportunities to express myself in all areas have improved with love, trust, and courage. I am not going to criticize him; I forgive myself and I forgive him. I accept myself for who I am, I have decided to treat myself fairly.” And now finally a smiling face…
I repeat the same question; what is the thing you are living here and now make you experience?
“Love… my love… our love … whether it ends or continues, I love the moments that will remain for me, my love … I love him, I love us and myself…”
When you fill your mind with values such as harmony, peace, love, good intentions and refocus, if these are what you truly desire, you will eventually win because you will win yourself.
And miracles happen in your life. Whatever the result is, as long as we TAKE OFF OUR MASKS for ourselves and for our partner first!
All my coachee wanted from the relationship was love… She had fulfilled her decision to speak in our follow-up process after the session, just in time, on the date of her commitment. And the result?
I will learn the end of the story of the moon tale of the mysterious relationship in our next meeting. But she came out of her emotionally loaded session she came in a situation not knowing what to do, with the decision of a method she could apply, and she stuck to the action step. IN ONE SESSION!
Another point I would like to draw your attention to is the power of coaching questions; except for a few process support questions and session process management skills, the whole story was around a single question. Now the same question to you;
WHAT DOES YOUR CURRENT EXPERIENCE MAKE YOU GO THROUGH? LET’S TAKE OFF OUR MASKS!
Wishing to see you on healthy days…
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